Bringing Independence into Your Back-to-School Routine- A Guide for Parents: Part II- Practical Steps

This is the first article in a two-part series. Check back next week for detailed tips and solutions to common problems when introducing an independence routine!

Last week we talked about the importance of independence and ways to bring more into your back to school routine (you can find that post here if you missed it). That post may have left you feeling interested but overwhelmed. How, exactly, do you go about convincing a child to take more responsibility? Today, we’ll explore some practical tips and tricks for making the goal of independence a reality.

Tip One: Start Small

Select one goal, and then break that goal down into steps. Perhaps you want your child to take charge of their own lunch. Step one might be showing your child how to choose one or two snacks to add to their lunch box. Once they’ve shown they can handle that step independently, move onto step two, which might be making their own sandwich. Small, manageable steps make goals achievable.

Tip Two: Provide Support

No one is perfect the first time they try something new! Your child will need practice, and support, before they are able to complete their new routine independently. The trick is providing enough support, but not so much support that your child doesn’t learn. This really is a challenging thing- my recommendation is stepping in if your child becomes frustrated, but don’t do the task for them. Instead, offer to help or do part of it. For example, you might offer to wash out your child’s lunch box if they can carry it to the kitchen themselves.

This is the same strategy you may want to try if your child asks you for help. Look it at as a learning moment and provide support appropriately.

Tip Three: Look for Incentives

Each child is different, so you may have to experiment to see what your child responds to. Children in the first plane of development (ages 0-6 years) are innately motivated to do things for themselves, so often the pride of completing a task is enough. For older children, you may have to get creative. I’m personally not one for reward charts and prizes, but I do feel okay asking a child to complete their ‘necessary’ tasks before engaging in something fun. (In my house, this sounds like- “you can play ten minutes of video games after your backpack is unpacked and your homework is done”)

Tip Four: Use a Timer

One of the biggest barrier to allowing independence on school mornings is time constraints. There is a moment in time when you absolutely have to be walking out the door, or else you risk being late to school (and work). Using a timer (either on your phone or a visual one like this) sets a hard boundary for your child.

If, for example, you’ve tasked your child with dressed in the morning, you could set the timer for fifteen minutes before you need to walk out the door. When the timer goes off and your child isn’t yet dressed, they lose the opportunity to do it themself and you get to step in. The language I like to use is, “We’re out of time. I will help you pick out your clothes and get dressed so we can get to school on time.”

Tip Five: Allow Natural Consequences

Natural consequences are the natural result of actions. For example, a child who doesn’t want to wear a coat to school may be cold/ not able to play outside when it starts raining. I’ve found that natural consequences are often the best way for a child to learn the outcome of their actions, with a few considerations:

• Natural consequences should be age appropriate- allowing a five year old to go to school without lunch (if the school doesn’t have a hot lunch option) would not be reasonable. However, a twelve year old has the maturity and foresight to learn from such a situation.

• Make sure you child understands how to complete the task before allowing natural consequences- if the steps of checking the weather app, picking out clothes the night before, and getting out the door on time are too confusing for your child, it will only cause frustration when they receive a natural consequence.

• Discuss the outcome in a neutrally with a problem solving focus- It’s in human nature to make a point when someone doesn’t listen and receives a natural consequence (“See? I told you if you didn’t hurry up you would be late for school!”). However, it’s very important to use these instances as a teaching moment.
  Approach the situation neutrally and without blame. State what you noticed and ask your child why they think that happened (“I noticed you walked out of the house too late to get on the school bus. What happened?”). If your child connects their behavior to the consequence, great! You can move on to problem-solving ways to avoid the consequence in the future. If you child doesn’t understand or doesn’t know, share your observations (neutrally of course). For example, “I noticed you were playing with your toys but didn’t have your shoes on yet. Could that have something to do with why you missed the bus?)

• Preparing Lunch– did you know children as young as two can make a simple lunch (think spreading peanut butter and jelly, washing berries, and placing crackers in a container)? School aged children can be charged with making their lunch the night before school, loading it into their backpack in the morning and emptying/ cleaning their lunch box that evening. Late school aged children (third grade and up) can plan their own menus and add needed items to a list. They can also track supply levels- goldfish crackers running low? Time to add it to the grocery list!
• Dressing for School– another activity that can start at a young age, your child can pick out and put on their clothes. Show them how to use the weather app on a phone to see what the weather will be like and to pick out appropriate clothes the night before- don’t forget a jacket when it’s cold! Starting around kindergarten, children can be tasked with using the washing machine to clean their own clothes (with supervision) and putting them away. This is a great way to make your child accountable, especially if you have a kid who always wants to wear a favorite outfit.
• Packing a Backpack– charge your child with gathering their own school materials. Do they need a special item for Thursday show and tell? Help your child mark it on the calendar, and model how to check the calendar each night. Are they supposed to empty their backpack each night? This is their job before they get screen time. With a little practice, even the youngest child can do this task with almost complete independence!
• Time Keeping/ Schedule Creation- a great way to help children learn about time is to involve them with the morning schedule. Do you need to leave for your bus stop by 7:30am? Talk with your child about how much time they need to get ready, then set a few schedule goals for the morning. What time should they wake up? Be done eating breakfast? Starting getting shoes on? Be out the door? Then, you can work together to set alarms on a phone/ tablet or show your child how to watch the clock to keep on schedule.

And finally, a reminder that change takes time. There will be ups and downs, steps forward and backwards progress. There will be days when you just don’t have time and you do it for your child. The important thing is to keep working to the ultimate goal of independence.